


Never Again

by DragonoftheMidwest



Series: Tour of the Wasteland [5]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Illness, Past Suicide Attempt, Suicide Attempt, discussion of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 23:11:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15423717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonoftheMidwest/pseuds/DragonoftheMidwest
Summary: Colette has something difficult to tell Arthur.WARNING: THIS DISCUSSES PAST SUICIDE ATTEMPTS AND CONTINUED THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE





	Never Again

Colette stood before the doorway to Arthur’s office and quarters. Soon to be _their_ quarters in just a few short weeks. She fidgeted with the ring on her finger, losing confidence even though she knew Arthur would be supportive and understanding. He had taken the knowledge that Roger had almost killed her surprisingly well after the initial shock, so this shouldn’t be different.  
Except that it was.

Her heart was pounding against her ribcage with anxiety. She could feel the questioning gaze of the Knight on duty behind her as she continued to hesitate in the hall. She took a calming breath and knocked on the door, feeling bizarre as she did so. She slept in there, why should she knock?

Arthur opened the door before she could let herself in after mentally chiding herself for knocking on the door like she and Arthur weren’t going to be married soon. He seemed to sense her inner turmoil, because he looked over her with worry in his eyes. “Cole? Is everything okay?” He stepped back and let her into the room before shutting the door behind them.

“I-” Colette started but hesitated. She had planned this out, was just going to come right out and say it, but that didn’t seem enough. She crossed the room to the small bed they shared and sat down on it, hiding her face in her hands. She felt the mattress sink under his weight as he sat next to her, but didn’t touch her.

“It’s okay. Take your time, love.” Arthur’s voice was gentle.

Colette nodded and took a deep breath. “I didn’t…” She paused, finally taking her face from her hands so her voice wasn’t muffled. “I didn’t go back to Sanctuary immediately after I was done at the Institute.”

Arthur’s brows furrowed, and she realized she didn’t clarify when. He sat patiently, knowing she was collecting herself.

“The first time I went in.” Colette started to explain. “When I learned that Shaun had grown old and had been the one that thawed me out.” Her hand drifted towards his and he took it, his calloused thumb rubbing the back of her hand in a soothing motion. “I needed time to think. I relayed to the top of Greentech instead of going home.

“I don't know how long I spent up there, exactly. I watched the sunset, I know that. I could think of nothing but how my son, my baby boy, only saw me as a science experiment. I knew he was going to have to die. My son or not, I knew we couldn't let him continue to live after what I knew he was responsible for.” Colette was avoiding Arthur's gaze, afraid of what she might see. “What you saw later that night was nothing compared to how I was on that roof. I had already come to terms with what had happened and what needed to happen by the time I got to Sanctuary. When I was on that roof, though, I had never felt so helpless and alone in my life.”

Colette took a deep, steadying breath and paused; she still wasn't sure she wanted to say this out loud, but she felt she needed to tell Arthur. That way, he would know and be able to watch in case she started to go down that road again. “I almost jumped.” She felt his grip on her hand tighten and heard him inhale sharply, but he didn't say anything. “I wanted to. Part of me was so sure that it would be better if I did. You would have never known he was my son and could have made sure he paid for his crimes against the Commonwealth.”

Colette wouldn’t– couldn’t look at Arthur, afraid of seeing disappointment in his eyes. She tensed slightly when she felt his hands move to her shoulders. He stopped until she relaxed again and pulled her into his arms, holding her close.

“I’m sorry you felt like that, Cole,” he murmured into her hair. “You are so strong and I can’t begin to imagine what you felt.”

Colette couldn’t find words, and just buried herself in Arthur’s arms. He whispered soft words that she didn’t quite hear, but the sound of his voice soothed her.

After a while, Arthur shifted them so they lay down on the bed, with her head pillowed on his chest. “What stopped you?”

Colette swallowed past the lump in her throat. “I saw a vertibird heading towards the Prydwen. I remembered that I had promised to come home, and the idea of you finding out because a patrol found my body or thinking I had died in the Institute made me realize that I still had something worth fighting for.” She idly played with one of the buckles on his flight suit. “I stayed up there longer to calm down and figure out what I wanted to do. I went to Sanctuary just to pack some things up, but as soon as I got there it hit me again.”

Arthur was quiet for a long time, rubbing her back and rocking them slightly. “I’m not going to ask you to promise me anything,” he finally said, “But if you ever feel like that again, _please_ come to me. I want to help.”

Colette nodded. “I haven't felt like that since then. Not strong enough to consider acting on it, at least. It's something I've struggled with for years, since Dad died. It was really bad after…” Colette didn't want to say the name, but Arthur understood anyway.

“I will always be here for you, Cole. If I can't be for whatever reason, you have Reagan, Michael, Mac, and Alex and so many other people that love you. You make the world a much better place by being here and I will say it every single day if that's what it takes to make you believe it.”

Colette couldn't stop the tears from falling at his words, she buried herself into his chest and mumbled, “Thank you.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was really difficult for me to write and even more difficult to post. I almost didn't. I've been personally struggling with my own mentall illness these last few months and got very close to taking my own life two months ago. This is my way of trying to work some stuff out. My situation isn't exactly like Colette's, but I have struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide for almost ten years at this point. My hope is that reading this can help somebody by putting them in Cole's shoes and hear somebody tell them that they are strong and loved and the world is a better place with them in it.


End file.
